This is for Ty...My Defence Lab Monkey...
You know when you were younger and you used to watch those shows on SABC? There's one that used to particularly grate me...Touched By an Angel. I used to think it was ridiculous, people don't go about with their heads glowing and performing miracles that make others change, and I bet Monica's hair wasn't naturally THAT red. Growing up, my view has changed. They may not have their own theme song, or light up like a Christmas tree, but there are people that can touch you and have such a huge impact on your life that you have no idea how you managed before them.
Tyson was one of those people...
He'd hate it when I got sentimental and he was the only one who could make me feel like an idiot for bawling like a baby...but that's who he was.
I "met" Tyson on Facebook, and back then I knew he was different. Meeting him was another story. He was the most happy-go-lucky, optimistic, pain in the ass I've ever met! But he managed to help me and change me in ways that I myself couldn't fathom until now. Ty had no shame, no sense of pride and humility to spare. He shared with me his love for defence lab (though I proved to have no hand-eye co ordination whatsoever, he still laughed with me), his passion for writing (though his hand writing was terrible, almost as bad as mine! But I was special enough for him to show it only to me) and allowed me to open up and understand myself in ways that, I now know, no one else ever could. He had problems and issues like every other person, but one of his most admirable qualities is that he was always positive about it. He could smile, make people happy through his pain and we were never the wiser. It's a once in a millennia thing that you meet someone like that, but there he was.
Whether it was pulling me to dance in the rain like a retard, calling and messaging me at awkward times, talking absolute nonsense with me, making me exercise and "be healthy" with him, whether he was singing for me, spending time with me or just telling me about his projects and plans, sharing his hopes and dreams; He was very special to me. He brought light and laughter in my life when I needed it most and I am ashamed to say that we lost contact and I was so busy trying to deal with my own life, I neglected him. I look at the photos, listen to the voice notes, read the messages, watch the videos and up till now I can't accept that he isn't here. I don't want to. It's hard to let go of things that have the most value to you, and worst of all, knowing that you can't have it again...
My only regret is that I never spent as much time with him as he tried, but the memories I do have will always be cherished...
Saturday, 13 September 2014
Thursday, 12 September 2013
Only Human....
Ok...if there's one thing I don't like its judgement and assumptions. Yes, we all make assumptions...we can't help it, it's human nature, but really its one thing to assume and its another to pass judgement. Firstly, it is neither your job nor are you under any inclination to judge. Secondly, if you have an assumption, understand that that' what it is; an ASSUMPTION. In other words;it is your opinion or idea of something, not a fact.
Recently, there have been problems. Miscommunication and misunderstandings (which, I admit, I am guilty of. I sincerely apologize for that.) but you really think that because of that, you have a right to judge? You may assume, but passing judgement? The line may be fine between the two, but the line is there none the less. And although these two may be similar, although we all may be guilty of the latter, freedom of expression or not you have no right to impose your judgement on others. Plain and Simple English? You've judged someone or something, good for you. That does not necessarily mean that it is true, that all your facts are correct or that you may impose it on others.
We all make mistakes. The simple way forward is to learn from these mistakes, try to "fix" any damage that was done or change any negative outcome that may have occured, and move along with life. What else are you going to do? Instead of focusing, draining your emotional and mental state, just try to correct your mistake and move along. Take me for example:
I can be pretty stupid. I probably always will be (when it comes to certain things). I don't always know what's good for me. I can be selfish and stubborn, and I respect my pride too much. I do things without thinking; I don't know how to tell people how I feel and I'm even more terrified to show them. I'm impulsive and hotheaded and my big mouth gets me in trouble more times than I can count.I think it's my job to protect people I care about, to never let them down in any way, but sometimes it seems that its inevitable and I don't know how to change. I'm honest about the wrong things and I keep more secrets and emotions inside me than what's healthy. I use self-defence to avoid getting hurt and experience has taught me that holding on to something too tightly means it'll get taken away, and I can't find a balance between the two extremes. I can be hypocritcal as I say I hate fake people, but sometimes I feel its better to pretend that everything's okay so that people will not worry or think of me. I try to put them first because I care about them that much.I hate feeling like a burden to someone, which is why I never open up to anyone. I want so much for someone to understand me, but when I try to explain myself I know no one will understand because they don't think the same way as I do,or they dont bother trying. But these are just my problems. I'm aware of them and how "difficult" I may be, but you know what they say. Acknowledgement and acceptance is the first step to dealing with the problem...
Everyone's different.Everyone is human. That means we're imperfect, we're allowed to make mistakes, but at the same time consideration for others is also important. It's understandable if the mistake was unintentional however, at the same time, it deosn't mean these mistakes should be taken lightly. Forgiveness is important and shouldn't be taken for granted.
One of my friends have a love for poetry, so I think I'm correct when I quote Alexander Pope who has penned the famous line; "To err is human, to forgive is divine". Forgiveness is not easy. Those who ask for it, must earn it. It must not be taken lightly either. The only reason one may ask for forgiveness is if they have wronged somehow and hurt someone or something because of it. It is one thing to seek forgiveness, but it is another to mean it. You should not ask for it because you feel you are wrong and you want to apologize and move along.By asking for forgiveness, there is an implication that you are aware that whatever you have done wrong has effected the person and you are sincere in your apology. When someone forgives you, it is not usually because they cannot hold a grudge, or just because they want you to stop nagging them or feeling guilty, but it is because they understand that your mistake was not intentional.
That being said, it is up to you, once you are granted forgiveness, to ensure that you earn their trust back (because even though they don't admit it, you have lost a piece of their trust once you hurt them, intentional or not) as well as uphold the implicated promise to never repeat that mistake again,which is what is expected by them as well.If they do not forgive you, it is because they are hurt. To what extent,you can only guess as indirectly it is your fault. Putting yourself in their position will not be accurate, but it may give you and idea of how they feel.Even if they do not forgive you, they will eventually. You just have to prove to them that you are sincere. It is not everyday you make mistakes and hurt people, so it is not everyday you should ask for forgiveness.
Recently, there have been problems. Miscommunication and misunderstandings (which, I admit, I am guilty of. I sincerely apologize for that.) but you really think that because of that, you have a right to judge? You may assume, but passing judgement? The line may be fine between the two, but the line is there none the less. And although these two may be similar, although we all may be guilty of the latter, freedom of expression or not you have no right to impose your judgement on others. Plain and Simple English? You've judged someone or something, good for you. That does not necessarily mean that it is true, that all your facts are correct or that you may impose it on others.
We all make mistakes. The simple way forward is to learn from these mistakes, try to "fix" any damage that was done or change any negative outcome that may have occured, and move along with life. What else are you going to do? Instead of focusing, draining your emotional and mental state, just try to correct your mistake and move along. Take me for example:
I can be pretty stupid. I probably always will be (when it comes to certain things). I don't always know what's good for me. I can be selfish and stubborn, and I respect my pride too much. I do things without thinking; I don't know how to tell people how I feel and I'm even more terrified to show them. I'm impulsive and hotheaded and my big mouth gets me in trouble more times than I can count.I think it's my job to protect people I care about, to never let them down in any way, but sometimes it seems that its inevitable and I don't know how to change. I'm honest about the wrong things and I keep more secrets and emotions inside me than what's healthy. I use self-defence to avoid getting hurt and experience has taught me that holding on to something too tightly means it'll get taken away, and I can't find a balance between the two extremes. I can be hypocritcal as I say I hate fake people, but sometimes I feel its better to pretend that everything's okay so that people will not worry or think of me. I try to put them first because I care about them that much.I hate feeling like a burden to someone, which is why I never open up to anyone. I want so much for someone to understand me, but when I try to explain myself I know no one will understand because they don't think the same way as I do,or they dont bother trying. But these are just my problems. I'm aware of them and how "difficult" I may be, but you know what they say. Acknowledgement and acceptance is the first step to dealing with the problem...
Everyone's different.Everyone is human. That means we're imperfect, we're allowed to make mistakes, but at the same time consideration for others is also important. It's understandable if the mistake was unintentional however, at the same time, it deosn't mean these mistakes should be taken lightly. Forgiveness is important and shouldn't be taken for granted.
One of my friends have a love for poetry, so I think I'm correct when I quote Alexander Pope who has penned the famous line; "To err is human, to forgive is divine". Forgiveness is not easy. Those who ask for it, must earn it. It must not be taken lightly either. The only reason one may ask for forgiveness is if they have wronged somehow and hurt someone or something because of it. It is one thing to seek forgiveness, but it is another to mean it. You should not ask for it because you feel you are wrong and you want to apologize and move along.By asking for forgiveness, there is an implication that you are aware that whatever you have done wrong has effected the person and you are sincere in your apology. When someone forgives you, it is not usually because they cannot hold a grudge, or just because they want you to stop nagging them or feeling guilty, but it is because they understand that your mistake was not intentional.
That being said, it is up to you, once you are granted forgiveness, to ensure that you earn their trust back (because even though they don't admit it, you have lost a piece of their trust once you hurt them, intentional or not) as well as uphold the implicated promise to never repeat that mistake again,which is what is expected by them as well.If they do not forgive you, it is because they are hurt. To what extent,you can only guess as indirectly it is your fault. Putting yourself in their position will not be accurate, but it may give you and idea of how they feel.Even if they do not forgive you, they will eventually. You just have to prove to them that you are sincere. It is not everyday you make mistakes and hurt people, so it is not everyday you should ask for forgiveness.
Monday, 2 September 2013
Break Up, to Make Up...
After reading that, this post will make no sense...but it's just a title...meh...
I've been missing for a month or so, I'm aware (Dodges rotten tomatoes and deletes all email threats) BUT I'm back now...thank Dingbat for giving me the thoughts to formulate this post...
Mixed Signals...it's a *BEEP*, isn't it? It's like Confusing the Confused, but worse. Take it from me.
But why? Why the mixed signals? What are you not sure about? Why must you confuse?
Lets take a simple story....
You got a boy, you got a girl, sitting underneath a tree.
They sit there everyday...
And even though, you may think, this is the way that things should be
It may not always be that way...
They're friends, pompers, exes, whatever the relation; there is "something" between them.
The girl likes the boy, the boy may or may not like the girl, but they sit underneath the tree. Lost to the world. Oblivious to everything around them. The girl shows affection, shes honest about her feelings, but the boy closes up. The girl begins to think the boy is heartless, he's giving her mixed signals, she does the only thing she thinks is now the only option: she gets up and walks away. Leaving the once comfortable, enjoyable "something" between them lost..but not completely forgotten.
But why did he let her walk away? The fact that she was there in the first place meant something, right? Did he feel something for her? They begin to question everything, analyse every detail...but in the end, they're apart so it doesnt matter anymore.
It hurts both of them. It haunts them. They question what happened, the memories, they wonder if they should let go of it, or wait and see if it may happen again. They use other people to have fun (Pomping or otherwise) to try to forget, try to escape the pain...but before they get attatched to someone else, they let them go. They don't want to be in the position they were before, feel the pain they once felt again...
They look for answers to the questions that plague them, but in honest truth they have none. And that makes them feel even worse. How can they move on, when theyre still trying to move away from the past?
What's the answer? What should they do? Don't ask me, I'm neither Dr Phil nor Jerry Springer nor Oprah. I'm just Kathy. An individual with my own opinion, my own thoughts, my own actions. The way I see things is different from the way you see it. I give personal advice, not objective advice. So again, you ask, what to do? The only thing I can think of is honesty.
Be honest with yourself. Find closure,talk to the other person, be open and figure out the answers to those questions. It may be the last thing on your mind, you may think it's opening old wounds...but isn't it better to open and old wound to let it heal properly instead of leaving the scab? Even after you have healed the scar will always be there...But the beauty of scars is that it's a reminder of what used to be. It's a mark for a memory that has helped you grow and develop as an individual and someday you'll be proud of it and the memories that came with it as it will be a lesson for life....
I've been missing for a month or so, I'm aware (Dodges rotten tomatoes and deletes all email threats) BUT I'm back now...thank Dingbat for giving me the thoughts to formulate this post...
Mixed Signals...it's a *BEEP*, isn't it? It's like Confusing the Confused, but worse. Take it from me.
But why? Why the mixed signals? What are you not sure about? Why must you confuse?
Lets take a simple story....
You got a boy, you got a girl, sitting underneath a tree.
They sit there everyday...
And even though, you may think, this is the way that things should be
It may not always be that way...
They're friends, pompers, exes, whatever the relation; there is "something" between them.
The girl likes the boy, the boy may or may not like the girl, but they sit underneath the tree. Lost to the world. Oblivious to everything around them. The girl shows affection, shes honest about her feelings, but the boy closes up. The girl begins to think the boy is heartless, he's giving her mixed signals, she does the only thing she thinks is now the only option: she gets up and walks away. Leaving the once comfortable, enjoyable "something" between them lost..but not completely forgotten.
But why did he let her walk away? The fact that she was there in the first place meant something, right? Did he feel something for her? They begin to question everything, analyse every detail...but in the end, they're apart so it doesnt matter anymore.
It hurts both of them. It haunts them. They question what happened, the memories, they wonder if they should let go of it, or wait and see if it may happen again. They use other people to have fun (Pomping or otherwise) to try to forget, try to escape the pain...but before they get attatched to someone else, they let them go. They don't want to be in the position they were before, feel the pain they once felt again...
They look for answers to the questions that plague them, but in honest truth they have none. And that makes them feel even worse. How can they move on, when theyre still trying to move away from the past?
What's the answer? What should they do? Don't ask me, I'm neither Dr Phil nor Jerry Springer nor Oprah. I'm just Kathy. An individual with my own opinion, my own thoughts, my own actions. The way I see things is different from the way you see it. I give personal advice, not objective advice. So again, you ask, what to do? The only thing I can think of is honesty.
Be honest with yourself. Find closure,talk to the other person, be open and figure out the answers to those questions. It may be the last thing on your mind, you may think it's opening old wounds...but isn't it better to open and old wound to let it heal properly instead of leaving the scab? Even after you have healed the scar will always be there...But the beauty of scars is that it's a reminder of what used to be. It's a mark for a memory that has helped you grow and develop as an individual and someday you'll be proud of it and the memories that came with it as it will be a lesson for life....
Monday, 5 August 2013
...Counting Stars...
Lately I've been, I've been losing sleep
Dreaming about the things that we could be...
I could lie, but I won't. Not to you my stalkettes...Yes, I am now single. I may be upset, I may be hurt, but lets face it; it happened before so it will happen again. It's my own fault for having so much compassion and caring too much to believe in second chances. But I learnt the hard way, people never change...
Break - ups aside, I cannot believe my friends! I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world but really, stop smothering me!
I love you guys to death, I really do, but when I say I'm okay, despite my fake smile, please believe I will be okay. All the "talks" and chocolates (I'm now fat by the way, thanks) is not helping. I need my own time and space to heal. I appreciate how much you care, I know you will be there for me, I know it will be okay but really now (Oo) too much love in this house! =P
Thursday, 1 August 2013
You can have my heart, you don't need to steal anymore...
Now if you're wondering about the title...I don't own! Tyson Ritter owns! Yes I'm quoting The All-American Rejects...Why, you ask?
Someone recently asked me if I would fight for what was mine (In the sense that if my relationship with my boyfriend was falling apart, would I still try and make it work?) Cue instant song in my head (and mumbled singing under my breath) of "Fallin' Apart".....hence, the title...But, to his dismay, I answered with a simple "No"
Ok so many people aren't going to understand or agree with my answer, because the song contradicts it, so let me explain...
If you haven't realised it by now, I'm anything but normal. Crazy, wild, off my head, naughty, eccentric, etc. All those and more have been used to describe me; and I can tell you now they're not far from the truth. One of the most outstanding aspects of my personality is that I'm very passionate; about everything and everything. My emotions aren't just emotions, they're like Natural Disasters in their own right. If I'm happy, I'm on top of the world, If I'm upset, the world may as well end for all I care, If I'm angry...well, lightning in my eyes aside, my legendary temper is something else.
What does this mean? It means if and when I'm with someone, I give them my all, my everything and if I say I love them, you'd better believe I do! More than I'll ever be able to understand, even if I do know why...
So, back to the question. Why is my answer "No"? Not because I don't love them, not because I don't want to be with them but because I truly believe if something were "mine" then it was meant for me and it would know and be content with being "mine". I wouldn't fight because indirectly, it would just mean that it was never "mine: in the first place. Simple enough?
But this is concerning a relationship, right? My answer still wouldn't change. If they wanted to go, I wouldn't hold them back, I'd hold the door open. It would hurt, it would mean that everything we've worked for just went out the door with them; but it's what I would do. Again, why? (You need to come up with other questions than "why", by the way..) Because, in my mind, it wasn't enough. I didn't try hard enough yo make things work and my love wasn't enough. So instead I'd put a fake smile on my face and watch them go, no questions asked...
Now you're probably thinking I don't care and that the nickname I once had (Heartless Doll) is very fitting. No, no it's not. That nickname was because once my heart got damaged a long time ago I guard whats left of it fiercely. that doesn't mean I'm incapable of love and affection, it means that I'm selective of who I get close to, and become aware that I care deeply for them. By watching that person walk away I may be hurting myself; but that act itself, walking away, would mean that they had made their choice and that I was not it. I was not what they wanted or what they were looking for, so they should go try somewhere else. It means that I loved them enough to want them to be happy, with or without me. Thats just the kind of person I am.
Someone recently asked me if I would fight for what was mine (In the sense that if my relationship with my boyfriend was falling apart, would I still try and make it work?) Cue instant song in my head (and mumbled singing under my breath) of "Fallin' Apart".....hence, the title...But, to his dismay, I answered with a simple "No"
Ok so many people aren't going to understand or agree with my answer, because the song contradicts it, so let me explain...
If you haven't realised it by now, I'm anything but normal. Crazy, wild, off my head, naughty, eccentric, etc. All those and more have been used to describe me; and I can tell you now they're not far from the truth. One of the most outstanding aspects of my personality is that I'm very passionate; about everything and everything. My emotions aren't just emotions, they're like Natural Disasters in their own right. If I'm happy, I'm on top of the world, If I'm upset, the world may as well end for all I care, If I'm angry...well, lightning in my eyes aside, my legendary temper is something else.
What does this mean? It means if and when I'm with someone, I give them my all, my everything and if I say I love them, you'd better believe I do! More than I'll ever be able to understand, even if I do know why...
So, back to the question. Why is my answer "No"? Not because I don't love them, not because I don't want to be with them but because I truly believe if something were "mine" then it was meant for me and it would know and be content with being "mine". I wouldn't fight because indirectly, it would just mean that it was never "mine: in the first place. Simple enough?
But this is concerning a relationship, right? My answer still wouldn't change. If they wanted to go, I wouldn't hold them back, I'd hold the door open. It would hurt, it would mean that everything we've worked for just went out the door with them; but it's what I would do. Again, why? (You need to come up with other questions than "why", by the way..) Because, in my mind, it wasn't enough. I didn't try hard enough yo make things work and my love wasn't enough. So instead I'd put a fake smile on my face and watch them go, no questions asked...
Now you're probably thinking I don't care and that the nickname I once had (Heartless Doll) is very fitting. No, no it's not. That nickname was because once my heart got damaged a long time ago I guard whats left of it fiercely. that doesn't mean I'm incapable of love and affection, it means that I'm selective of who I get close to, and become aware that I care deeply for them. By watching that person walk away I may be hurting myself; but that act itself, walking away, would mean that they had made their choice and that I was not it. I was not what they wanted or what they were looking for, so they should go try somewhere else. It means that I loved them enough to want them to be happy, with or without me. Thats just the kind of person I am.
Tuesday, 2 July 2013
*Shock* ...... *Horror* ...... *Gasp*
Oh My Fudge! (Oo)
My Stalkettes are ALIVE!!!!
Hehehe =P
Uhm well I dropped by for a quick Post just to let you know I'm NOT Dead
(Shame on you, people waiting for my Insurance!)
And....
I will be back with another Post soon =D
K thaaaanks
Byyyyeeeee
My Stalkettes are ALIVE!!!!
Hehehe =P
Uhm well I dropped by for a quick Post just to let you know I'm NOT Dead
(Shame on you, people waiting for my Insurance!)
And....
I will be back with another Post soon =D
K thaaaanks
Byyyyeeeee
Sunday, 19 May 2013
Born This Way...
Last Friday, the
17th of May was International Anti-Homophobia Day. Now usually
there's a song that could describe it but this time (even though I'm not good
at it) I'm going to use my words...
Being homosexual
is considered to be taboo. It’s more common to be "in the closet" than
to admit that you're gay.
But why is it? Why
are you ashamed of who you are? Do you fear the judgment of others? Do you
worry about the stereotypes associated with homosexuals? Or are you just in
denial about who you are? It’s something I've never understood; and to this day
I still don’t.
Being gay is not
something to be ashamed or scared of. It’s who you are. It’s a part of you that
will never change no matter what you do. If you’re gay, you’re still the same
person. You still have the same values, the same thoughts, the same ideals. You,
as a person, have not changed at all. It’s just your sexual preference that
changes and the kind of partner that you’re looking for that is different. You
can deny it, hide it, cover it up, try and change it…But it will never work
out. The deeper you bury yourself the more claustrophobic that closet will be.
I've recently made
friends with some homosexuals I admire a lot. Of all, the one that particularly
stands out is Zack (Not just because for some strange reason he reminds me of
Adam Lambert, of who I'm a HUGE fan!!!) But because he's been through it all.
Beatings, swearing, discrimination, all of the horrible issues a homosexual has
to face, not only from his family but some of his friends as well. But you know
what? He got through it and he's probably one of the strongest people I know.
He's proud to be who he is, and if there were more people were like him, things
would definitely change.
I understand some
people may want to keep it in, not let anyone know simply because they’re
afraid. They’re afraid of how people will react, they think that no one will
accept or understand them. But isn’t it better to be who you are and say what
you feel? Wouldn’t you rather stop living a lie and hiding behind cover-ups and
live your life the way you want to live? You only get one shot at living the
life you’ve been given…wouldn’t you want to make the most of it and be happy?
So I have but one
question...So what if it’s seen as "wrong" or "unnatural"?
So what if you're going to get discriminated against? People will always talk.
Whether you give them reason to or not, people will talk no matter what. You've
got to get out of that closet and face the bright, new day. Make a life for
yourself, be happy, accept who you are and stand and proudly and watch as the
world welcomes you with the promise of happiness and opportunity.
So...raise your
glass if you are wrong, in all the right ways! (^~,)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)